Dear Struggling
I am very glad you wrote to me because you do need help...You are going through a lot of significant changes socially and health wise and I think you need to get into some ongoing psychotherapy with a psychodynamic psychotherapist. I see by your letter that you are intellectually quite bright but that you are also behaving self destructively. Hooking up randomly with so many guys, being hooked on someone who is or has been very self destructive, choosing people who truly are emotionally available and can't possibly be there for you in any consistent way only tells me how ambivalent you are not only about relationships but about where you really want to be...
I think you are using these young men for temporary comfort but that you somehow don't believe that any one of them can provide the comfort and security you want.
You are still quite young and so I write part of this off to being in an experimental stage but I still think you are acting something out which probably stems from your childhood. Further, you are dealing with some serious health issues which of course must be making you quite anxious. Your dreams of baldness should indicate that. The possibility of ovarian cancer is not an easy thing to face and I hope that your tests prove negative. At this time, you should probably surround yourself with people who truly love and support you, not empty hookups which you just leave you disappointed
So I need you to answer the following questions for yourself..
1. What do you really feel about your behavior? Is it making you feel better or is it making you feel worse?
2. If it is making you feel worse, ask yourself why you continue to hook up with random people and get involved with people (Miguel) whom you know is probably not your best choice because he himself doesn't function too well.
3. What is your self esteem like at this point? Do you feel like you are taking the best possible care of yourself?
4. What was your childhood like? Did your parent's relationship teach you that relationships can work? Or quite the opposite?
5. Are you reaching out to these young men because you feel empty and are looking for some way to gain attention and affection from people who can't possibly provide it or are these relationships just temporary releases from anxiety?
Try to consider these questions and maybe to find a professional to talk to on an ongoing basis. From your letter and the confusion you feel, sometimes it is better to just hang out just as friends for a while and to stop being subjected to other people's needs and desires before you even know your own. If you feel like you are floundering, please give yourself the chance to look inside yourself and to introspect your own heart. The answers will be found there, not outside of yourself in meaningless relationships. I know you describe yourself as friendly and outgoing but I don't think you are truly close to anyone you've mentioned, not even your parents. Who knows the real you? You have so many guys around you but not one of them is someone you can really count on to be there.
This would really be a time to put yourself first and not worry so much about what other people need. If other people's demands on you are overwhelming, figure out what you need first and honor those feelings above all. While it is always nice to find so many people attracted to you, in the end, your needs are not being met. Right now, finding supportive and loving people to talk to seems more important than worrying about which guy got his feelings hurt. That is the very last thing that should be on your mind. If you can only be friends with gay guys, maybe that is because they feel more like girlfriends and don't make the same kinds of demands on you.
Start saying "No" more often when you feel this overwhelmed. It can work wonders.
Good luck, thanks for writing, and please keep me posted.
Sincerely,
I am very glad you wrote to me because you do need help...You are going through a lot of significant changes socially and health wise and I think you need to get into some ongoing psychotherapy with a psychodynamic psychotherapist. I see by your letter that you are intellectually quite bright but that you are also behaving self destructively. Hooking up randomly with so many guys, being hooked on someone who is or has been very self destructive, choosing people who truly are emotionally available and can't possibly be there for you in any consistent way only tells me how ambivalent you are not only about relationships but about where you really want to be...
I think you are using these young men for temporary comfort but that you somehow don't believe that any one of them can provide the comfort and security you want.
You are still quite young and so I write part of this off to being in an experimental stage but I still think you are acting something out which probably stems from your childhood. Further, you are dealing with some serious health issues which of course must be making you quite anxious. Your dreams of baldness should indicate that. The possibility of ovarian cancer is not an easy thing to face and I hope that your tests prove negative. At this time, you should probably surround yourself with people who truly love and support you, not empty hookups which you just leave you disappointed
So I need you to answer the following questions for yourself..
1. What do you really feel about your behavior? Is it making you feel better or is it making you feel worse?
2. If it is making you feel worse, ask yourself why you continue to hook up with random people and get involved with people (Miguel) whom you know is probably not your best choice because he himself doesn't function too well.
3. What is your self esteem like at this point? Do you feel like you are taking the best possible care of yourself?
4. What was your childhood like? Did your parent's relationship teach you that relationships can work? Or quite the opposite?
5. Are you reaching out to these young men because you feel empty and are looking for some way to gain attention and affection from people who can't possibly provide it or are these relationships just temporary releases from anxiety?
Try to consider these questions and maybe to find a professional to talk to on an ongoing basis. From your letter and the confusion you feel, sometimes it is better to just hang out just as friends for a while and to stop being subjected to other people's needs and desires before you even know your own. If you feel like you are floundering, please give yourself the chance to look inside yourself and to introspect your own heart. The answers will be found there, not outside of yourself in meaningless relationships. I know you describe yourself as friendly and outgoing but I don't think you are truly close to anyone you've mentioned, not even your parents. Who knows the real you? You have so many guys around you but not one of them is someone you can really count on to be there.
This would really be a time to put yourself first and not worry so much about what other people need. If other people's demands on you are overwhelming, figure out what you need first and honor those feelings above all. While it is always nice to find so many people attracted to you, in the end, your needs are not being met. Right now, finding supportive and loving people to talk to seems more important than worrying about which guy got his feelings hurt. That is the very last thing that should be on your mind. If you can only be friends with gay guys, maybe that is because they feel more like girlfriends and don't make the same kinds of demands on you.
Start saying "No" more often when you feel this overwhelmed. It can work wonders.
Good luck, thanks for writing, and please keep me posted.
Sincerely,
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